Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
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We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
The Sun
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy