Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
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ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I’m putting together a team
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.