ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
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Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*