I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
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Seas the day!!!!
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Lmaoo 😂
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
o shit
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Brother?
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
first you must answer his riddles
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here