My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
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I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Is this you?
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious