Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
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I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.