Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
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Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Found the job I’m suited for
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Knock Knock
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Story of my life…..
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.