(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
You Might Also Like
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys