Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
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been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
how long have you had this for?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy