My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
You Might Also Like
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.