Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
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I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
A friend helps you before you need it
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone