Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
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I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”