Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
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When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”