mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
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What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?