on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
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HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what