Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
You Might Also Like
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.