Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
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[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
These are too funny not to post 😂
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc