Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
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omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women