Auto correct is my worst enema.
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Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
i can’t wait that long
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.