People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
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My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.