If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
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Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.