They’re the worst 😩
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The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
men are simple creatures
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I gave up going to work for lent.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse