When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
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I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice