[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
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I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
LOL!
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons