“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
You Might Also Like
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.