The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
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Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Best seat on the street 😍