Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
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reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
All generalizations are stupid.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.