ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
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I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Facebook memories be like
they really do be looking like this
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.