Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
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Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”