Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
You Might Also Like
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I’d love this…lol
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range