[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
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My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.