Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
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Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months