Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 馃槀馃槶馃槀馃槶
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I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I don鈥檛 have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog鈥檚 bladder.
i was baptized in a car wash
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you鈥檇 be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Council: We鈥檒l pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He鈥檚 my friend.
Council: 鈥nd an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
There鈥檚 7 million people in this world and you think I鈥檓 gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I鈥檒l probably even go cry in the freezer too
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”