One cake enters. No cake leaves.
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1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
DOOO EEEET
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
There’s always that one guy