Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
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Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh