I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
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Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah