Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
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You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.