[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
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Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
How I’d get arrested…
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…