[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
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None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Bike for sale
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?