Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
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Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”