My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
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Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
me after eating Cheetos
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.