Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with