When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
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How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one