What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
You Might Also Like
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.