Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
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Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*