*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
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Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.