Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
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For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.