My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
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I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now