Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
You Might Also Like
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.