oh my gosh!!
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Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”